I have followed your work from afar as a fellow journalist who spent part of my career in sports. I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is a hard journey. You don't get through it. You just learn how to live with it. My experience is that it does change over time. My mom died 27 years ago. When a couple of friends lost their moms, I used the waves analogy: Grief is like the ocean. At first, every wave leaves you unsteady, and knocks you over often. Over time, the waves that are overwhelming right now settle down. They wash over your feet and gently remind you that they're there, but they don't leave you bracing through every moment. You learn how to prepare for the bigger waves that come with important dates -- birthdays, anniversaries, key moments in life. The grief will be easier to get through. But there will still be moments where you get hit with a rogue wave -- where something completely unexpected will knock you down and you will find yourself grieving as hard as if the loss was still fresh. Lean on your friends when that happens.
I know losing a parent is nothing like losing a spouse. My dad was lost and broken after Mom died (she was 53), for a long time. I hope the pain of losing Dennis eases somewhat soon, and that the grief becomes like the waves washing over your feet instead of knocking you down.
My dear childhood friend, Helene. Although I’ve suffered loss in my life, I can’t even pretend that I understand how you feel losing your husband. Your words are powerful and heartfelt. My personal belief is that yes, he is watching over you and you did hear his voice. You can’t explain it, you can’t prove it, but he’s with you. There is nothing that I can tell you to make you feel better, but please now that the way you have touched so many people with your words, all of us care about you. Mourn if you must, feel what you need to feel, but don’t lose heart. Your “husbum”is watching over you and wanting all good things for you. I wish I could have met him. Hugs from me to you and if you ever want to talk, send me a private message and we can exchange phone numbers. May God watch over you and walk with you, and may our husband’s memory be eternal.
Helene: your words reach me deep inside me, and though I cannot possibly know the pain of your grieving, I feel it in your writing about its never ceasing presence. As you write of hearing Dennis in those times you always did tells me he’s with you in ways that matter though, of course, you want him by your side. I’m so sorry for your loss and I have you in my thoughts. Hugs, Melissa
You most likely do not remember our email correspondence which I enjoyed & was grateful that you took the time for. But that's not why I'm reaching out today. I just read your brief article regarding the 1-year anniversary of you husbands passing. We don't know each other & we've never met......but I wanted to tell ya to hang in there. I've not lost a spouse, but I have dealt w/ many more losses than most in my 67 year life. I know all about those "anniversary's" & "first holidays." And.....it's tough, & there is no right way to deal w/ it. Grief comes & goes, & we can't control it. I'm so sorry for your grief today, Helene.
Be kind to yourself, & let your feelings & emotions do what they will do.
I hear you. I lost my partner of almost 40 years in February. Everyone thinks you go through the stages of shock and grief, and then you get over it and everything goes back to more-or-less normal. And in a way it's true -- the initial grieving period somewhat subsides. But then what follows is really worse, I think. Because they are gone. The empty space that they once occupied hangs around like an unwanted guest. It reminds you all the time of its presence. So many times in the day I think of something to say to him, or something I want to share with him. I don't quite know how to deal with this loss, but just wanted to let you know I understand.
There is no playbook for mourning. It happens to us all, yet we all respond differently. You'll adjust...you'll also live the way he wanted you to (whatever that means). People care, you're not alone!
He’ll always be with you and a part of you. Most people aren’t lucky enough to have all the joy you seem to have had in your marriage. Healing takes time . Don’t let others infringe on your timeline. By the way he sounds like one hell of a guy.
Helene - I never got to meet Dennis, but he obviously was a very special person. Your column really touched me! The way you described your emotions and grief. A lot of people don't do that, especially on a public forum. I think it's brave and I think it really helps people to read it. Especially those who don't know what to say to a person who has lost somebody. I know when I lost my mom over 20 years ago, I would have appreciated just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss." Instead it was mostly silence from my co-workers. Which I guess is better than telling me how to behave or what I should do.
All can say is how sorry I am and send you my very best. No words of advice. We all deal with grief in different ways. I just hope the memories of your life together provide you some solace.
You were so kind to me when we all worked together on the Kings and Ducks beat and I will always remember that. The writers from the Times that I worked the most with - Lisa Dillman, Elliot Teaford, Chris Foster and you - never made me feel like a second class citizen because I worked for a smaller paper. My days covering hockey were the best days of my career because of camaraderie, that I think was truly special to that beat. I still have such fond memories of those days and other writers on the beat like Roger Phillips, Rich Sadowski, Karen Crouse, etc.
So hopefully memories of Dennis will begin to comfort you more and more!
You still have an amazing skill with words - no matter what the subject. And this might have been best piece I have ever read of yours.
This is so poignant, so real. We miss his charm, his smile, his laugh - we can't believe he is gone. Please know that we share in your sorrow, and hold you in our hearts every day.
Helene, I made reading your columns every day when I read the Times sports page. Especially during hockey season but also about tennis and athlete profiles too. I love reading the substack stories you write because it’s like reading your articles again. You should write about the baseball season coming to an end and the teams jockeying for playoff contention. Now is the most exciting time if you’re a diehard baseball fan like I’ve been since my mom took me to my first Dodger game in 1965. Like Tommy Lasorda said I bleed blue. Just a thought to keep you busy doing something you love and are one of the best I’ve ever read! Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way always 🙏
Dearest Helene, within 2 years, starting in 2022, we lost my wife's 21 year old son, my 49 year old brother and my father in his 70s. There is no timelines for grief as you are discovering. Most days we're good, many days we're not. Guess that's the hard part of the human experience, getting used to so much loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Our hearts are with you.
Helene, mourning is such a personal road we all must travel. You have shown so much love for Dennis this entire year that he has been gone by never being scared to show your vulnerability which shows everyone, especially yourself, how much you loved each other.
You have so many friends and family that love you and are here for you anytime, so as time progresses, lean on us as we on you, because you knew Dennis better than anyone.
A loss like that is beyond our ability to assuage. However, you have devoted fans and friends who care for you and will always offer a shoulder to lean on.
I am reminded once again that your words are such a gift to us. Thank you for sharing this very private part of your life. Loss is the one thing we all share with each other and so your beautiful words hit home.
I am so very sorry for your loss Helene. We all experience our own grief in different ways and there is no right or wrong or timetable. My heart goes out to you and hope you find comfort as time goes on. ♥️
I have grown to know you through your writing and the miracle of the Internet. I even got a reply on Twitter from you once! Today is my birthday. It's funny how it works, my best day is someone else's worse day. On my day where wishes are granted, I'm wishing you peace.
I remember explaining to a middle school student we all have our day that not many really know. His day was March 6. Mine is April 30. Yours is September 16.
Be good to yourself and keep listening for Dennis. Love from Philadelphia.
I have followed your work from afar as a fellow journalist who spent part of my career in sports. I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is a hard journey. You don't get through it. You just learn how to live with it. My experience is that it does change over time. My mom died 27 years ago. When a couple of friends lost their moms, I used the waves analogy: Grief is like the ocean. At first, every wave leaves you unsteady, and knocks you over often. Over time, the waves that are overwhelming right now settle down. They wash over your feet and gently remind you that they're there, but they don't leave you bracing through every moment. You learn how to prepare for the bigger waves that come with important dates -- birthdays, anniversaries, key moments in life. The grief will be easier to get through. But there will still be moments where you get hit with a rogue wave -- where something completely unexpected will knock you down and you will find yourself grieving as hard as if the loss was still fresh. Lean on your friends when that happens.
I know losing a parent is nothing like losing a spouse. My dad was lost and broken after Mom died (she was 53), for a long time. I hope the pain of losing Dennis eases somewhat soon, and that the grief becomes like the waves washing over your feet instead of knocking you down.
My dear childhood friend, Helene. Although I’ve suffered loss in my life, I can’t even pretend that I understand how you feel losing your husband. Your words are powerful and heartfelt. My personal belief is that yes, he is watching over you and you did hear his voice. You can’t explain it, you can’t prove it, but he’s with you. There is nothing that I can tell you to make you feel better, but please now that the way you have touched so many people with your words, all of us care about you. Mourn if you must, feel what you need to feel, but don’t lose heart. Your “husbum”is watching over you and wanting all good things for you. I wish I could have met him. Hugs from me to you and if you ever want to talk, send me a private message and we can exchange phone numbers. May God watch over you and walk with you, and may our husband’s memory be eternal.
Helene: your words reach me deep inside me, and though I cannot possibly know the pain of your grieving, I feel it in your writing about its never ceasing presence. As you write of hearing Dennis in those times you always did tells me he’s with you in ways that matter though, of course, you want him by your side. I’m so sorry for your loss and I have you in my thoughts. Hugs, Melissa
You most likely do not remember our email correspondence which I enjoyed & was grateful that you took the time for. But that's not why I'm reaching out today. I just read your brief article regarding the 1-year anniversary of you husbands passing. We don't know each other & we've never met......but I wanted to tell ya to hang in there. I've not lost a spouse, but I have dealt w/ many more losses than most in my 67 year life. I know all about those "anniversary's" & "first holidays." And.....it's tough, & there is no right way to deal w/ it. Grief comes & goes, & we can't control it. I'm so sorry for your grief today, Helene.
Be kind to yourself, & let your feelings & emotions do what they will do.
Hugs,
Curtis Hacker
I hear you. I lost my partner of almost 40 years in February. Everyone thinks you go through the stages of shock and grief, and then you get over it and everything goes back to more-or-less normal. And in a way it's true -- the initial grieving period somewhat subsides. But then what follows is really worse, I think. Because they are gone. The empty space that they once occupied hangs around like an unwanted guest. It reminds you all the time of its presence. So many times in the day I think of something to say to him, or something I want to share with him. I don't quite know how to deal with this loss, but just wanted to let you know I understand.
My condolences to you.
There is no playbook for mourning. It happens to us all, yet we all respond differently. You'll adjust...you'll also live the way he wanted you to (whatever that means). People care, you're not alone!
He’ll always be with you and a part of you. Most people aren’t lucky enough to have all the joy you seem to have had in your marriage. Healing takes time . Don’t let others infringe on your timeline. By the way he sounds like one hell of a guy.
RIP
Helene - I never got to meet Dennis, but he obviously was a very special person. Your column really touched me! The way you described your emotions and grief. A lot of people don't do that, especially on a public forum. I think it's brave and I think it really helps people to read it. Especially those who don't know what to say to a person who has lost somebody. I know when I lost my mom over 20 years ago, I would have appreciated just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss." Instead it was mostly silence from my co-workers. Which I guess is better than telling me how to behave or what I should do.
All can say is how sorry I am and send you my very best. No words of advice. We all deal with grief in different ways. I just hope the memories of your life together provide you some solace.
You were so kind to me when we all worked together on the Kings and Ducks beat and I will always remember that. The writers from the Times that I worked the most with - Lisa Dillman, Elliot Teaford, Chris Foster and you - never made me feel like a second class citizen because I worked for a smaller paper. My days covering hockey were the best days of my career because of camaraderie, that I think was truly special to that beat. I still have such fond memories of those days and other writers on the beat like Roger Phillips, Rich Sadowski, Karen Crouse, etc.
So hopefully memories of Dennis will begin to comfort you more and more!
You still have an amazing skill with words - no matter what the subject. And this might have been best piece I have ever read of yours.
All the best to you!
This is so poignant, so real. We miss his charm, his smile, his laugh - we can't believe he is gone. Please know that we share in your sorrow, and hold you in our hearts every day.
Helene, I made reading your columns every day when I read the Times sports page. Especially during hockey season but also about tennis and athlete profiles too. I love reading the substack stories you write because it’s like reading your articles again. You should write about the baseball season coming to an end and the teams jockeying for playoff contention. Now is the most exciting time if you’re a diehard baseball fan like I’ve been since my mom took me to my first Dodger game in 1965. Like Tommy Lasorda said I bleed blue. Just a thought to keep you busy doing something you love and are one of the best I’ve ever read! Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way always 🙏
Dearest Helene, within 2 years, starting in 2022, we lost my wife's 21 year old son, my 49 year old brother and my father in his 70s. There is no timelines for grief as you are discovering. Most days we're good, many days we're not. Guess that's the hard part of the human experience, getting used to so much loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Our hearts are with you.
Helene, mourning is such a personal road we all must travel. You have shown so much love for Dennis this entire year that he has been gone by never being scared to show your vulnerability which shows everyone, especially yourself, how much you loved each other.
You have so many friends and family that love you and are here for you anytime, so as time progresses, lean on us as we on you, because you knew Dennis better than anyone.
Love you,
Janine
A loss like that is beyond our ability to assuage. However, you have devoted fans and friends who care for you and will always offer a shoulder to lean on.
I am reminded once again that your words are such a gift to us. Thank you for sharing this very private part of your life. Loss is the one thing we all share with each other and so your beautiful words hit home.
I am so very sorry for your loss Helene. We all experience our own grief in different ways and there is no right or wrong or timetable. My heart goes out to you and hope you find comfort as time goes on. ♥️
I have grown to know you through your writing and the miracle of the Internet. I even got a reply on Twitter from you once! Today is my birthday. It's funny how it works, my best day is someone else's worse day. On my day where wishes are granted, I'm wishing you peace.
I remember explaining to a middle school student we all have our day that not many really know. His day was March 6. Mine is April 30. Yours is September 16.
Be good to yourself and keep listening for Dennis. Love from Philadelphia.